My Favorite Break-Up

I don’t leave people. I make them leave me.

However, I had this boyfriend once…I felt myself getting that irritated, antsy feeling after a few months. I told him: I don’t want to break up with you, but I do want to have any open relationship. We will still have sex, but we can also have sex with other people.

A week later I told him: This is going well. Now, we are still going to have sex with other people people…but we are not going to have sex with each other anymore.

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We’ve already had this conversation…

About 3 years back, once the crying in the middle of work and having to take sick time to crawl under the desk and listen to “Hallelujah” on repeat while rocking slowly had gotten to be too much, I decided to start seeing a therapist.

The problem is that anything that rocked my routine was almost impossible for me to deal with. I took some extra time off work and went to my appointment. It was like “Groundhog Day”. She listened to me discuss in detail the panic I felt at even having to disrupt my schedule to come see her and ended with “You should come back on the 15th.” Are you insane? How am I supposed to make that happen?!

I went to a different person, a Psychiatrist. I came to him on the first appointment with about 5 pages I had written about myself for him. He didn’t read it. He told me I had OCD Spectrum and gave me pills. That was it, every 3 months I would go and check in for 15 minutes, it was so easy. I felt so much better.

When we had first met he talked to me about the film “Blue Valentine”, because I loved independent films. A year after that he had the same conversation with me and I snapped and did not go back. I no longer have my pills :(. I guess they didn’t cure my lack of patience for other people’s flaws, like repetition of conversation and forgetfulness.

So when my friends show up early at my house, without giving me proper notice, I go into a panic attack. My body shakes without my permission and my breath gets very labored. This doesn’t have to do with my control issues, I am not upset because you didn’t do what I “told” you to, I am upset because you didn’t follow the protective guidelines I put in place to keep my psyche safe. I am requesting, as one human being to another, that you respect my limits.

Thank you. 🙂

January 1999

I had just turned 18. I made a deal with myself: If I was not married by the end of the millennium I would leave. I would go to California and try my hand at acting, because I loved movies so much (or at least acting classes while actually waiting tables).

I wanted to be loved. My thinking has always been a little off, but I knew if I pursued acting I would have to (or more likely want to) perform sexual favors. I knew this went against my religious upbringing. I felt I would have a better chance with God if millions of people pleaded my case for me, because they loved me so much.

I used to pray for Harvey Weinstein because I didn’t want to live in a world where he wasn’t there, so why wouldn’t they all pray for me?

I wanted to either be completely known and accepted by one person, or by many.

I was married the first time in May of 1999.
I was not completely known and definitely not accepted.

In one week I will be married for the third time.
I am known, but he has not memorized my every whim and desire.
I am accepted, but he has made me want to be better.

It’s a good thing I never tried acting, My Love is a filmmaker and I have learned I am not so talented in that regard. I just wanted someone to be interested in me. I only wanted to play characters like me.

I don’t want to be an actress anymore. I don’t want my fantasies to come true. I don’t want to meet my heroes and childhood crushes. I wouldn’t want a stranger who doesn’t care about me interviewing me, it’s hard enough to talk about your feelings with people who do care about you.

The lessons I have learned and the mistakes I have made I have been fortunate enough to do privately. However, I am still ever grateful to the people who do pursue that, who do share their minds, bodies and souls with me through the wonder of film. I still think about all of you, and for what it’s worth, I love you.

 

All Right

2 years ago, some “bad” things happened to me. It happens to everyone, and actually it wasn’t even the first time for me for any of them, but it was a shock.

I lost my job, 2 months later my husband lost his job, 4 months later our marriage was over. A few months after that he took our dog.

The way I handle these unexpected occurrences is very simple:

1. I get very, very angry. I worry for the people who have wronged me because the wold doesn’t like it when I am wronged and I feel like they may die unexpectedly when the Universe acts upon my justified revenge.

2. I take a few days off to lay in bed and watch incredible movies and re-center myself. I surround myself with all of my favorite things. I trust the Universe to guide me to peace.

3. I get the fuck over it. The way to do that is to move on as quickly as possible. Within 2 days I had a new dog. I did not cry about my husband leaving me until 2 years after it happened, the day I got the final divorce papers. I allowed myself that one night to feel sad.

I don’t think that makes me cold, it makes me capable of moving on. Once that role is empty it needs to be filled, and I like to do that as quickly as possible. I don’t want to sit around and feel bad about the decisions I have made and the people I have wronged. I don’t want them to either:

“I ain’t a-saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right.”