January 1999

I had just turned 18. I made a deal with myself: If I was not married by the end of the millennium I would leave. I would go to California and try my hand at acting, because I loved movies so much (or at least acting classes while actually waiting tables).

I wanted to be loved. My thinking has always been a little off, but I knew if I pursued acting I would have to (or more likely want to) perform sexual favors. I knew this went against my religious upbringing. I felt I would have a better chance with God if millions of people pleaded my case for me, because they loved me so much.

I used to pray for Harvey Weinstein because I didn’t want to live in a world where he wasn’t there, so why wouldn’t they all pray for me?

I wanted to either be completely known and accepted by one person, or by many.

I was married the first time in May of 1999.
I was not completely known and definitely not accepted.

In one week I will be married for the third time.
I am known, but he has not memorized my every whim and desire.
I am accepted, but he has made me want to be better.

It’s a good thing I never tried acting, My Love is a filmmaker and I have learned I am not so talented in that regard. I just wanted someone to be interested in me. I only wanted to play characters like me.

I don’t want to be an actress anymore. I don’t want my fantasies to come true. I don’t want to meet my heroes and childhood crushes. I wouldn’t want a stranger who doesn’t care about me interviewing me, it’s hard enough to talk about your feelings with people who do care about you.

The lessons I have learned and the mistakes I have made I have been fortunate enough to do privately. However, I am still ever grateful to the people who do pursue that, who do share their minds, bodies and souls with me through the wonder of film. I still think about all of you, and for what it’s worth, I love you.



One thought on “January 1999

  1. Pingback: Daily Prompt: When Will I Be Loved? | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

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